I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
