my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Dicks are not precious.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
