I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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