Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
