I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
