I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
