I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
