i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Blood and glitter go together right?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
