I wish I could teleport
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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