she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
