Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
be right there i have to get my cape
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
