last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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