sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I am spending my child support on dildos
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
a search helicopter?!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
