I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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