Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
