she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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