I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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