it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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