I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
and you fell through a lawn chair
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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