i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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