Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
