Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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