not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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