My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
