you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
