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I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
