If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
