Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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