I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
