what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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