Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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