May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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