Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
