Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
