Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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