I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
