I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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