Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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