Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
