he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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