Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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