my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
