I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
