I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Randomize
