ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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