mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
