I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
