dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The air was thick with penises
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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