I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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