I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
